


Under the Influence

by a_stands_for



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ashen Romance | Auspistice, Black Romance, Crack Pairing, Drunk Writing, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Multi-shipping, Other, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Red Romance, Silly, ooc
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-05-05
Updated: 2012-05-05
Packaged: 2017-11-04 21:06:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/398203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_stands_for/pseuds/a_stands_for
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Nepeta and Dirk get their Cupid on.</p><p>Also in which the author gets soused and invites suggestions from anyone willing to come watch the spectacle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Under the Influence

**Author's Note:**

> Every now and then, I am going to announce a drunk-writing session on my [tumblr](http://a-stands-for.tumblr.com/), with a link to a Google Doc file where I will be writing live. Anyone who views it can chat in the sidebar and throw out suggestions, situations, pairings, jokes, whatever. I may or may not actually be inebriated. It will ~~or will not~~ be awesome. :D
> 
> (Today the A stands for Alcoholic)
> 
>  

“Tada!” she said gleefully, her cute little nose twitching with excitement as she handed over the long wooden object in her hands.  
  
“What?” Dirk asked, one eyebrow quirked above his pointy shades.  “What am I looking at here?”  
  
Nepeta grinned.  “They’re archery bows!  I snagged them from my moirail before he had a chance to break them.”  
  
“O... kay.  Why?”  
  
She thrust one of them pursistantly into his hands until he accepted it.  “We’re heroes of heart!  It’s time we used our heroic powers for good!”  
  
Dirk examined the weapon with mild curiosity.  Bows weren’t exactly his speciality, but it felt like a quality one.  “And by _good_ , I guessing you mean _mischief?_ ”  
  
She grinned in a manner that showed off an awful lot of cat-like teeth.  “Are you with me?”  
  
He gave a little snort through his nose that could pass as a laugh.  “Whatever.  But I’m not wearing a toga.”  
  
She cheered, and they clapped the wooden bows together like a secret handshake.  
  
*   *   *  
  
Rose suddenly looked up from her knitting, staring blankly into space.  John didn’t notice, involved as he was in the movie he was watching.  They were alone in the living room of Rose’s house, for reasons the author is not going to get into because plot is inconvenient.  
  
“John.”  
  
“Hmm?”  
  
“Have you ever wanted to be tied up with yarn?”  
  
“Wait, what?”  
  
She moved suddenly in front of the screen, blocking his view and wielding a ball of yarn like she was going to attack him with it.  There was a most peculiar grin on her face.  “Haven’t you ever thought about how nice it would be to just... lay back, give up control, and let someone else call the shots?”  
  
“Uh.”  
  
She slid onto his lap so smoothly that he couldn’t get a word out, teeth peeking out from his lips as he stared at her with wide eyes.  “Rose?  What’s going on?”  
  
She pushed him sideways, forcing him down across the couch.  “I’m tired of knitting cozies, John.  Let’s say we get cozy instead?”  
  
“That... may be the silliest thing I’ve ever heard you say.”  
  
“Not the silliest thing I’ve ever done, though,” she said casually as she pinned his hands above his head, making fast work of the strand of purple yarn.  “You should see me with magnetic letters.”  
  
“BluH??”  
  
Then she kissed him, wriggling over his lap and stretching out across his body and still deftly knitting up a lovely pair of restraints around his wrists.  
  
John had no idea what was going on, but he  _liked it_.  
  
*   *   *  
  
“You know, I had a cape way before you got one.”  
  
“Excuse me?”  
  
Eridan waved his long, flowing garment around himself with a huff.  Dave had just been walking past him in the corridors, minding his own business, when he went and blurted out that hispstery nonsense.  “Wait.  Are you telling me that you had capes before it was cool?”  
  
“ _Yes_.  Obviously.  You know, I’m a highblood, we get all the best things yeeears before the lower castes do.”  
  
“You do realize I’m not in  _any_ of your “castes,” right?  
  
“Still don’t mean you’re royalty.”  
  
“Still don’t mean you’re better than me, fish face.”  
  
“I... I do not have a fish face!”  
  
“What the fuck are those fins for, then?” he asked, reaching out a hand to flick one of the membranes sprouting from his jawline.  Eridan’s eyes grew huge.  
  
“Who said you could touch those???”  
  
Dave’s lips twitched and he reached up again.  Eridan grabbed his hand before he could touch them, his fingers clamping tight around the human’s wrist.  Dave pushed, Eridan resisted, until some sort of silly fight broke out over the position of their hands.  
  
“Squishy human!”  
  
“Fin-faced douche-bag!”  
  
“My cape’s way better than yours.”  
  
“What?  The fuck it is!  Mine’s a _godcape_.  Yours is... costume jewelry.”  
  
“What!  Say that to my face!”  
  
“I just _did_ , you moron.”  
  
“I!  Okay, so you did.  Wwell.  You smell funny!”  
  
“Don’t you mean “finny?””  
  
“That’s it!” He threw his hand to the side, grabbed his prissy red knight collar, and proceeded to sandwich Dave between himself and the wall.  Also, he might have maybe been kissing him.  
  
Dave kicked him in what he presumed were the troll equivalent of balls.  As Eridan wheezed, he kicked his legs out from under him, sent him to the floor, and then sat down on top of him.  
  
“No way am I letting  _you_ call the shots,” he growled as he proceeded to bite the fish troll’s neck.  Erotically.  
  
Eridan whimpered and hoped to cod he wouldn’t embarrass himself by needing a bucket before Dave did.  
  
*   *   *  
  
Dirk stared at Nepeta.  “That must have been you, I haven’t figured out how to shoot black arrows yet.”  
  
She shrugged her shoulders helplessly.  “I didn’t do anything!”  
  
*   *   *  
  
Karkat banged his head on the keyboard a couple of times, growling in frustration.  Jade looked up in surprise, then gave him a sympathetic look.  “Code not working out for you?”  
  
He shook his head, producing a very unhelpful line of letters across his screen.  
  
Jade stood up from her own desk and walked over, peering over at his monitor.  “I wish I could help, but I know next to nothing about this troll programming language you’re using.”  
  
He made a little shrug, then sat up again, blinking blearily.  “Even knowing anything about it doesn’t help much.”  
  
She smiled and reached out to pat him on the head.  Then she blinked and stared into space for a moment, as if she had had a space-case.  Then she lifted up her other hand and, quite intentionally, began massaging his horns.  
  
Karkat’s eyes grew as big as dinner plates.  “ _Jade._  What the fuck are you doing?”  
  
In response, she gave him a particularly slow stroke around the base of his horns.  He sucked in his breath, then coughed, as if he had inhaled a large quantity of her hair instead of air.  
  
“Feeling okay, Karkat?” she asked innocently.  
  
“Wha--I’m fine.  Just fine.  Just... smelling your shampoo?  Yeah.  It smells great, what is that?”  
  
She smiled.  “Top Paw.”  
  
“It smells like oranges.”  
  
“Yep.”  She stroked his little nubs with enthusiasm, and his eyes rolled up in his head in spite of himself.  “Why are you asking about my shampoo?  It’s a really lousy cover.”  
  
“It’s _not a coverrrrrrrrrr_.”  
  
“What was that?”  
  
“Nothinggggggggggg.”  
  
“What an odd sound you’re making, Karkat!”  
  
“I’M NOT MAKING ANY oh goddddddddddrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.”  
  
“I’m pretty sure that was an odd sound.  Like a... purr?”  
  
“NoooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrNO! No nononooorrrrrrrrrrrrrr.”  
  
Her eyes dilated.  Her ears twitched.  “So... catlike.”  
  
“Bwah?”  
  
“Wrf.”  
  
“Wait, what sound is _that?_ ”  
  
“Woof!”  
  
“Oh.   _That_ sound is that.”  
  
Her hands slithered out of his hair, down his back, further, further, until they reached his posterior. She squeeeeeeeezed.  
  
“Oh fuck.  Jade?”  
  
“Shouldn’t you be running?” she asked sweetly, before nibbling on his ear.  
  
He made a sound that sounded suspiciously like “ _help!_ ” before bolting from his chair.  She followed closely behind, teeth bared in a dog-like grin.  
  
*   *   *  
  
Equius rang the doorbell, then shifted the hotbag of pizzas to his other hand.  He hated this job.  It made such poor use of his STRONG skills.  Also, he kept getting into accidents.  Stupid acceleration pedals, so sensitive.  
  
He waited impatiently, then rang the doorbell again.  Honestly, the rudeness of people, to order pizza and then be unprepared for its arrival.  Finally he heard footsteps, locks turning, and the door slid open.  
  
He was not prepared for the sight of two people, covered in cake batter, waiting for him on the other side.  
  
“HeyyYYYyyy, the pizza man doth cometh!” said the one that looked like a stoner.  His far more respectable companion shoved him out of the way and took over, a sweet little lady with short dark hair.  
  
“Sorry we took so long, the blender kind of... exploded.” She shot her companion a dark look, then smiled, reaching for the receipt.  Equius handed it over in sort of a daze, eyes darting between the two customers.  There was something about the way they looked, the whiteness of the... what was it, cake batter?  Anyway, it was spattered all over them in a most erotic fashion.  Very inappropriate!  And arousinNONO just inappropriate.  
  
“Wait, why does it say I need to pay in cash?  I ordered online with a credit card!”  
  
“It got rejected.”  
  
“Shouldn’t the website tell you that before the order goes through?”  
  
“You’d think so.”  
  
“Augh!  This is so TYPICAL!  Gamzee, do you have any cash?”  
  
The man blinked blearily, then checked his pockets.  Nothing.  So he _peeked in his pants_.  Equius blanched.  Was he expecting to find a codpiece full of cash down there???  Whatever he expected, he didn’t find what he was looking for, because he looked back to the woman with a helpless grin.  
  
“Sorry Janey babe, I got nothin’.”  
  
“Shit.  I mean, shoot!”  She bit her lip, then looked up at Equius with entirely too endearing wide blue eyes.  Fiddlesticks, why did they have to be blue?  “Um.  I don’t suppose you accept, uh, barter?”  
  
“Barter.”  
  
“I have pie!  Er, I mean.  It’s still in the oven.  Uh.  Cake? ...batter?  Er, maybe not,” she said as she looked down at herself.  She wiped a smudge off of her chest and licked it off her finger.  “Darn, and it was good, too.”  
  
“Was it?  Sorry,” the one called Gamzee said, then _leaned forward and licked some more off her chest_.  
  
“Ack!! No, Gamzee, not in front of the pizza guyAH!”  
  
The pizza guy burst into a cold sweat.  No, that was a lie.  It was a very, _very_ warm sweat.  The stoner’s eyes shot up to him, even as his tongue wandered down soft flesh.  “Sure we don’t got something you’d accept, brother?  I’m willing to share.   _She’s_ willing to share too, if you catch my drift.”  His hands wandered down to the hem of his own pants.  
  
Equius coughed.  Handed over the pizza, hotbag and all.  He suspected it would get cold if he didn’t, by the time everyone was ready to eat.  
  
*   *   *  
  
Sollux pulled his hair in frustration, scowling at the computer monitor.  That damn hacker did it again!!!  How could someone write such devious code when half of it was full of really stupid spelling errors?   _Code doesn’t work that way!_  
  
A chat window popped up, which was really annoying considering he hadn’t even been signed in, last he looked.  The all-too-familar winking smiley blinked up at him.  
  
“Yeah, yeah, wink wonk, I know the drill,” he muttered, typing out the same.  
  
TG: slipped in yur backdoor agian, sucker!  
TA: fuck iit, ii don’t have tiime for you  
TG: allow me to fix that  
  
The time on his computer changed.  He sighed.  
  
TG: how bout nau? ;)  
TA: what do you want?  
TG: i want to unzip ur files!  
TA: …  
TA: ii’d a2k if you are drunk, but there’2 never a tiime that that ii2n’t 2o.  
TG: my softwre is so hard 4 u  
TA: what  
TG: i bet youv got teh most dextrous fingers  
TG: typist fingers  
TG: its the new pianist fingsers  
TG: you can hack my hardware anytime  
TG: wink wonk!  
TA: you already u2ed a hardware pun  
TA: al2o, are you drunker than u2ual?  
TG: i’ve got a trojan hre wtih yr name on it  
TA: uh  
TT: Roxy, are you cheating on me?  
TG: AR!  
TG: no, i’m jst playin around!  
TT: No, I get it.  Glasses can only satisfy so many needs, you feel it’s time for an upgrade.  
TG: nooo, ur the only 1 4 meee!  
TA: ii have no iidea who you are, but thank you. 2o much.  
TT: No problem, man.  I know she can be a handful.  
TA: ii 2wear, if she meddle2 in my code2 one more tiime, ii’m gonna...  
TA: well, ii’d explode her harddrive, but 2he’2 already foiled me on that number  
TA: 2everal time2  
TT: I’m not surprised.  I think she’s written more anti-virus programs than I can count just to foil your plans.  
TT: And I can count to a very high number.  
TT: You sure you’re not going black for her?  
TA: !!!  
TA: NO!  
TA: fuck  
TA: noooooo  
TA: damn iit when diid thii2 happen?  
TT: I could run interference for you if you want...  
TA: you would?  
TA: that’2  
TA: that’2 riight niice of you...  
TA: AR, was iit?  
TT: That’s me.  
TA: huh  
TA: well  
TA: niice two meet you  
TG: oh my godd that was the cutest clubbng i’ve evr seeeen  
TG: r you 2 going to start throing around c3< now?  
TA: whfuck!   
TA: ii thought you’d wandered off to make a martiinii or 2omething!  
TG: WINK WONK WINK WONK!  
  
*   *   *  
  
“OKay, I seriously thought you were trying to shoot me in the face, there, Nepeta.”  
  
“Relax, a round arrow like that wouldn’t have hurt anyway!”  
  
“How comforting.  Are you sure you’re not just mad at me for shooting Jade when she was next to Karkat?”  
  
“Noooooomaybe.  Grr, whatever, who’s next?”  
  
*   *   *  
  
“What.  The fuck.  Is thiiiiiiiis?”  
  
“It’s a whale!”  
  
“Yeah, I can see that!  Why is sitting in front of my recuperacoon?”  
  
Feferi smiled shyly.  “Reasons.”  
  
“Oh gog, have you been listening to Eridan’s advice?  Why would you _ever_ do _that????????_ ”  Vriska sighed and tried to slide down around it.  “Kind of a fail whale, isn’t it?  I mean, when Eridan tried to give me one, it was so big he couldn’t even fit it in my hive.”  
  
Feferi’s fins puffed up so wide it was hard not to laugh.  “It’s a perfectly nice whale!  I caught it myself, okay!  I don’t have as much practice, but I wasn’t about to ask him to do it for something as important as this!”  
  
Vriska inched around the dead aquatic mammal and slid out the door into the hallway with a sigh of relief, only to step on something soft.  She looked down slowly, almost afraid to see what it was after waking up to a night like this.  
  
It was a tiny little plush whale, obviously lovingly sewn from soft, velvety fabric.  It looked like Kanaya’s handiwork.  As did the next one.  And the others.  The many...  _many_ others.  
  
“Ha.  Hahaha,” Vriska laughed a bit nervously.  “A bedroom full of whale meat, a hallway full of whale plushies.  I’m going to kill Eridan.  No wait, I’m going to kill everyone stupid enough to take his advice.”  She inched down the corridor, wincing when the plushies proved to be filled with squeakers.   _Squeak squeak squeak!_  
  
She opened the door at the end of the hallway.  A mountain of whales plushies fell down, half-burying her in adorable squeaks.  She glared sourly at nothing as one final one fell down upon her head.  She took a deep breath.  
  
“AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!”  
  
In an explosion of plushies, Vriska tore out of her hive, racing away from the rainbow-drinker who had been lurking by the entryway, away from the royal blood who was still calling plaintively from her window, and towards the place she was certain Eridan would be found.  
  
She kicked in the door.  Eridan blinked and looked up in confusion, tangled up in a red cape and covered in hickeys.  
  
“‘the fuck?” Dave growled, glaring at the intruder.  
  
“Excuuuuuuuuse me,” Vriska growled right back, “but I need to borrow your kissmessis.”  She stomped into the room, unwound Eridan’s cape from the human’s torso, and dragged the sea-troll away.  Dave watched them go with eyebrows climbing higher and higher over his shades.  
  
“Wwhat the fuck, Vriska?  If you’re looking for a black tussle, I’ve already got a--”  
  
Vriska unloaded her captchalogue on him, which had filled up with whale plushies all on its own.  She practically threw him into the pile.  “Really, Eridan?  Whales?  Is that your universal advice for pale-seekers everywhere?”  
  
“I had to tell them something, they were interrupting make-out time!”  
  
“Well, too bad, now  _I’m_ interrupting make-out time!  How dare you send all those losers after me!  Don’t you know you’re the loseryest loser of them all?”  
  
“BluH?”  
  
And with that, she plopped into the whale-pile with him and proceeded to cuddle him senseless.  
  
*   *   *  
  
Feferi sobbed as she walked back to the ocean.  She had been so certain the whale would do the trick.  Who didn’t like whales?  She liked whales!  
  
“H-hey, uh... are you, okay?”  
  
She blinked and looked up.  Tavros was watching her with kind eyes, his lap seeming to beckon her invitingly.  With a sniffle, she found herself walking towards him and curling up on top of it.  Tavros blushed, his hands fidgeting nervously, uncertain of what to do.  
  
“Vriska doesn’t want meeee!” she cried on his shoulder.  
  
Tavros’s expression calmed as he steeled his nerves and wrapped his arms around her.  “You want to talk about it?  I’m pretty experienced when it comes to Vriska not doing what I want her to do.”  
  
“Sniffle.  O-okay.”  She nuzzled up under his chin as he hugged her tighter.  He petted her hair and scratched her head, and she sighed, a bit more calmly than before.  
  
Maybe this day wasn’t so bad after all.  
  
*   *   *  
  
With a crack of a whip, Aradia tested her line and then sailed across the open pit of spikes and snakes.  Upon safely reaching the other side, she looked back at her companion.  
  
“Well?  Are you joining me?”  
  
Jake swallowed, feeling a tightness growing in his pants that wasn’t there before.  “Hubba hubba,” he breathed, adjusting his belt.  
  
*   *   *  
  
“Nurse.  Hey, nurse.  I dropped my scotties again.”  
  
“Again, Mister Slick?  Honestly, you are so clumsy!”  With a cluck of her tongue, Ms. Paint sashayed over to his bedside and leaned down, plucking up the little licorice dogs that her charming, if strange, patient had lost yet again.  Slick’s eye stayed firmly planted on her plump rump the entire time, his razor teeth peeking out in a dirty smile.  
  
“Here you are, dear,” she said sweetly as she stood up.  
  
“Can you bring them closer? I don’t want to mess up my IV...”  
  
“Of course!” She stepped up beside his bed and placed the scotties back into his hat.  For someone who didn’t want to mess up his IV, he sure moved his hands a lot.  
  
“OH!” she jumped.  
  
“My hand slipped,” he said shamelessly.  
  
*   *   *  
  
“Kanaya?  Are you feeling okay?  You don’t smell so good.”  
  
“That would be very insulting coming from anyone else,” she said with a sigh, then looked up.  And stared.  “Terezi.  Why are you in your underwear?”  
  
“I thought it would make it easier for you to measure me!”  
  
“But I’m here early.  How long have you been sitting in this state?”  
  
“Oh... maybe 4 hours and 13 minutes.  Give or take.  I just wanted to make sure I was... ready.”  
  
“How ready do you need to be for a fitting?”  
  
Terezi grinned in her usual shark-toothed manner.  “ _Very_ ready, Kanaya.  I am  _so_ ready for you.”  
  
“...to do the fitting.”  
  
“Yeah, that.”  
  
“I see.”  She looked around the room.  “Are the candles and rose petals for the fitting, too?”  
  
“Absolutely!”  
  
“Right.”  She stared at Terezi.  
  
Terezi stared back.  And waggled her eyebrows.  
  
“Oh, fuck it,” Kanaya growled, dropped her bag, and pounced.  
  
*   *   *  
  
“HOW IS THIS GIVING ME A BONER, I’M GAY!’ Dirk screeched.  
  
“That was the plan,” Nepeta purred.  “To give you a boner.”  
  
“Oh, god,” he groaned, his head in his hands.  “And when did you change into that toga?”  
  
“I was getting in character! It’s an essential part of role-play!”  
  
He gave a long, shaky sigh.  “You’re going to make me wear one eventually, aren’t you.”  
  
She giggled and held another one up.  “Just give in, Dirk, the purrer of heart compels you!”  
  
After a long pause, he held out an arm and took the garment.  “Could be worse,” he muttered.  “Could be my poofy prince pants.”  
  
“That’s the spirit!”  
  
Dirk had a sinking suspicion that he would be making out with his fellow cupid by the end of the night.  She was entirely too purrsuasive.  
  
LE END.

**Author's Note:**

> ...end of chapter 1, anyway. XD
> 
> For your viewing pleasure, here is the [chatlog from this session](http://a-stands-for.tumblr.com/post/22441637112/drunk-writing-1-chatlog). It may be worth a peek just for the hacker pick-up lines alone!


End file.
